You Are What You Love

I have been absent from blogging too long. I've been bottling up what I need to say. While my blog and other blogs out there, which I look to for inspiration and have come to adore, offered me respite, I feel now that this may offer relief.

During the last month, I saw glimmers of what was my former life returning to me. I had two high-profile job interviews, had gotten on a semi-regular schedule and starting cooking and exercising again, and the trees were blushing and the air tasted of woodsmoke. When the two jobs fell through and the clouds literally began rolling in, I took it all to heart and my toes were clutching the edge. I felt something was fundamentally wrong. This was not what I had worked four hard years for. My honors degree was a waste of time. When further blows were delivered, I felt myself sink to the bottom of an icy chasm. My breath was frozen and ragged, and when I closed my eyes I saw everything distilled by watery blue depths.

But then I woke up. I took a breath. I realized that a lot of what I had, what I coveted, was based on some fabrication of whether I was greater than, less than, or equal to others. Did I work harder than so and so? Did I dress better than her? Was I more articulate that he? While this rhythm had become a central part of my person, I saw for the toxic habit that it was. So I swallowed myself whole, and started to piece together who I wanted to be. A person I could love.

And so I'm working. The people I pushed away have welcomed me back with open arms. New people have swung into my life and shed light on the important things, like living in the moment and the perfect pair of zebra-printed shoes. I found out earlier in the week that the vintage store where I was working as a seasonal employee has hired me on permanently. My manager is even letting me take time off for interviews and will understand if I get another job (with the freedom I have now, I can apply for jobs I actually want, instead of everything that crosses my desk). I am wrapping myself in my own arms, taking pleasure in early morning running and stretching, and surrounding myself with images of love.





Thank you, everyone and everything. Thank you thank you thank you.